Done the coaching.
Done the therapy.
Done the Landmark courses.
Done emotional freedom technique.
Done all of it.
None of it worked.
All of it was band-aids on a gushing resentment.
Because the truth is; I fucking hated him.
I hated how he touched me.
I hated how he needed me.
I hated how he looked at me.
And I hated how he masturbated next to me in bed.
And I know that sounds awful; but it’s the truth.
And the worst part?
He kept calling me “wife.”
Even after I said I wanted a divorce.
Even after I told him I’m not available.
Even after I shut down completely.
He kept calling me “wife.”
Because I am Lai Yin.
And that’s the curse.
He just has to say, “I wish we had carrot cake,”
and guess what?
That night, I bring him carrot cake.
I hate that I do it.
I hate that I can’t stop.
I hate that he knows.
And I hate that he never went away.
We tried to fix it
We really did.
We listened to the courses.
We took the coaching.
We practiced communication.
And still; it never landed.
Because he wasn’t there.
Not really.
I’d talk to him, and he’d nod.
He’d say, “Yes, I understand.”
But he didn’t hear me.
Nothing registered.
I was talking to a man who wasn’t home.
That’s the part nobody tells you:
You can’t reason with a man who’s not there.
You can’t fix a relationship when one of you is lost.
And he was.
Gone.
Desperate.
Scattered.
He stopped asking for sex
In the beginning, he begged.
He tried guilt:
“It’s a wife’s duty.”
He tried logic.
He tried being sweet.
He tried all the things desperate men try.
And I resented all of it.
Eventually, he stopped asking.
He grew up.
He stopped pushing.
He stayed close.
He started touching himself beside me in bed.
And you know what?
I didn’t mind.
I even thought it was open, evolved.
Better than hiding in the bathroom.
Better than sneaking around.
I thought: " Wow, what a modern couple we are."
But then something shifted.
He started asking strange things
He would be touching himself and say:
“Can you cradle my balls?”
“Please hold me there; just a little.”
“Take my semen; but don’t let me come.”
“Can I come on you?”
Not fuck me.
Not make love.
Not sex.
Come on you.
And that’s when I started listening.
Really listening.
Because he wasn’t asking for sex.
He was asking to be received.
He was asking for contact.
He was asking to be held.
He wasn’t trying to enter me.
He wasn’t trying to dominate me.
He wasn’t even asking to be touched in a sexual way.
He was asking to land.
And I got it.
This isn’t sex
This isn’t effort.
This is presence.
It takes less energy than making the kids’ school lunch.
It takes less than making a cappuccino.
It takes nothing, really.
A hand.
A breath.
An allowance.
And when I did it,
when I let him come on me,
when I let him stroke and empty himself while I just stayed,
something shifted.
Not in him.
In the house.
He started listening again.
He started showing up.
Not just for me,
but for the girls.
For the business.
For himself.
It wasn’t overnight
But something steady began returning.
Something soft.
Something quiet.
The man I married came back.
Not the needy, sex-driven zombie.
Not the guilt-tripping man-child.
Him.
And I started seeing the thing I’d never seen before.
It was biological.
He wasn’t scattered because he’s an asshole.
He wasn’t desperate because he’s weak.
He wasn’t unreachable because he didn’t love me.
He was untethered.
He thought he lost me.
And his system was trying to survive.
He wasn’t demanding sex.
He was trying to land.
He was asking, in the only way he knew how:
“Am I still yours?”
And nature;
fucking brilliant, ruthless nature;
gave us the simplest solution.
A release valve.
Let the man come on you.
I don’t mean that metaphorically
I mean, literally.
He needed to come on me.
He needed me to hold his balls.
He needed to feel my body next to his release.
That’s all.
That’s what made him feel safe.
That’s what brought him back.
That’s what stopped the spiralling.
It was the cheapest, simplest, lowest-effort way
to calm a man’s entire nervous system.
And I’d missed it for years.
I thought he wanted sex.
I thought he wanted something from me.
But all he wanted was home.
And once I gave it,
he gave me everything.
His presence.
His clarity.
His strength.
His softness.
And for the first time in years,
I stopped resenting him.
Because he wasn’t a demand anymore.
He was a man.
Mine.
Home.
If this is happening in your house
Stop talking.
Stop waiting for a breakthrough.
Stop trying to fix him with more effort.
Do your version of this instead:
- Sit him down.
- Hand him a beer.
- Kneel.
- Say nothing.
- Unbutton your blouse.
- Touch his inner thighs.
- Graze his groin.
- Unzip his pants.
- Guide his hand.
- Offer your body, your skin, your presence.
- Have him come on you.
- Don't flinch, don't clean. *(1)
- Button your blouse and continue your day.
Not as performance.
Not as apology.
As structure.
You don’t have to want it.
You don’t have to perform pleasure.
You only have to receive him.
Because when you stop resisting the thing that resets his system,
his system resets.
And the spiralling ends.
You get your house back.
Next time, you don’t kneel.
Next time, you don’t speak.
Next time, he’ll know where he lands.
Your body will be the instruction.
This blog is the structure.
You become the gravity,
and through you, he orbits.
(1) Let the friction of the crust remind you: he belongs to you.
How the Biology works
This isn’t metaphor. It’s mechanism. These are the physiological systems behind what happens:
Nervous System Reset
Ejaculation activates the parasympathetic nervous system, shifting the male body from arousal into regulation.
Georgiadis & Holstege, Journal of Comparative Neurology (2005)
Bonding Hormones
Post-orgasm release of oxytocin and prolactin strengthens attachment and reduces stress.
Carter, Psychoneuroendocrinology (1998); Exton et al., Int. Journal of Impotence Research (2001)
Co-Regulation Through Touch
Physical reception — especially still, grounded presence — stabilizes his nervous system through co-regulation.
Porges, Biological Psychology (2007); Schore, Infant Mental Health Journal (2001)
Somatic Tethering
Marking through ejaculation builds a somatic association with home, safety, and belonging.
Young & Wang, Nature Neuroscience (2004)
How it works on a man’s system
- Arousal and Regulation Are Tied: For many men, sexual release is directly linked to nervous system regulation. Seminal release triggers a measurable neurochemical cascade: primarily oxytocin, prolactin, and a drop in dopamine that shifts the system from pursuit to calm.
(See: Brody, S. (2002). Biological Psychology; Georgiadis & Holstege, 2005) - Contact Reduces Cortisol: Non-performative, accepting touch, especially during arousal, has been shown to reduce cortisol and stabilise blood pressure. If she receives him without judgment, his system experiences regulation instead of shame.
(See: Coan, J. et al. (2006). Psychological Science) - Attachment Circuits Activate: When a man is permitted to release while being held or received, it mimics maternal regulation patterns restoring felt safety. It doesn’t infantilize. It completes an interrupted loop of belonging.
(See: Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory; Young & Wang, 2004) - Control Breaks = Thought Loops Break: Orgasm without domination or conquest breaks cognitive spirals. It disables the need to perform, which often fuels anxiety and rumination.
- Why on her body? Her skin isn’t incidental. It’s primal. Coming on her rather than in isolation returns him to relational circuitry. It says: “I land here. I’m not alone.”
This isn’t fetish.
It’s function.
And it works.